When communicating with others, often times people can interpret what we say differently from how we intended. There are instances when we think we’re being kind and caring, but others interpret what we say as critical or diminutive. Or, in moments when we think we’re coming across as curious, the other person becomes defensive because they think we’re taking a stance in opposition to theirs. Miscommunication happens so often and it’s so important for us to stop and evaluate the changes we can make to the way we communicate so that we’re able to align our intentions with how other people receive our messages.

What we say and how we say things matter. They matter for me in my professional world as a management consultant as I implement change with clients, in my volunteer work as a crisis worker as I listen and support people in tough situations, and most importantly, in caring for the relationships I have with my family and friends.

As with anything worth learning, mastering the art of communication takes time, practice, and experimentation with different approaches. By no means have I reached mastery, but I continue to prioritize this as one of the most important things for me to continuously improve. Based on some of the recent training I’ve received around effective communication and developing listening skills, here are the top five changes I’m making to the way I communicate:

1. APOLOGIZING ONLY WHEN I’VE DONE SOMETHING THAT HAS HARMED SOMEONE ELSE.

Being overly apologetic is something more common in women than men. We all know someone who starts every sentence with “I’m sorry…” Like, “I’m sorry, but I have a question.” or “I’m sorry to impose, but would you mind helping me with this?” I catch myself doing this every now and then. I’ve realized that if you say it too often, it dilutes the meaningfulness of your apologies when they’re actually appropriate.

Instead of saying “Sorry for…” I’m trying to say “Thank you for…” This slight shift makes me appreciate the other person, rather than depreciate myself. It’s important to acknowledge when we should honor someone with a true apology, but in cases when it’s not absolutely necessary, saying “Thank you for…” totally shifts the dynamics. For example, rather than saying “Sorry I can’t make it to your event…” say “Thanks for understanding why I’m not able to make it. I would have loved to attend.”

2. ELICIT QUESTIONS RATHER THAN SOLICITING AGREEMENT.

People often finish explanations with “Does that make sense? Or “Do you understand what I’m saying?” That can often come across less about the message and more about the receiver’s capacity to understand. Questions like these could also give others the sense that you’re trying to get their agreement on what you’ve just proposed, rather than a real question about the clarity of what you’re proposing.

Instead of saying “Do you understand?” or “Does that make sense?” I’m trying to say, “Any questions or anything I can clarify? The latter invites the person you’re speaking with to voice any questions or concerns, whereas the former leads to a yes or no answer with encouragement towards a yes answer in an off-putting way.

3. ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS VS. YES/NO QUESTIONS.

Along those lines, especially when I’m trying to understand someone else’s perspective, I try to ask open-ended questions. This is especially helpful when I’m trying to comprehend someone’s situation. When I asked questions that lead to yes or no, it takes more effort for me to pull out the “why” or the “what” of someone’s feelings and thoughts. Also, yes or no questions can be really misleading. Instead of asking, “are you feeling angry right now?” try asking “how are you feeling right now?” to allow them to use their own words to describe what they are going through.

4. AVOID ASKING QUESTIONS THAT COME ACROSS AS JUDGMENTAL (E.G. WHY?)

Proponents of the “five why’s” approach say that asking why then why again, then why again, and so on leads to a deeper understanding of root causes. It’s important to understand why, but sometimes phrasing it that way can come across as judgmental.

Asking “why are you doing it that way?” can be received as you not agreeing with the way someone is approaching things. Try asking, “Can you walk me through your thought process so I can understand your approach?” Asking why can sometimes make people feel like they have to justify their feelings or actions, which can shut them down, preventing them from them helping you to understand them.

5. SOUNDING INAUTHENTIC WHEN USING TRAINED PHRASES.

At some point in our lives, we’ve probably attended a course where we learned how to be a reflective listener. We’ve been advised to repeat what someone else has said by saying “what I hear you saying is…” This can have an adverse effect because people think you’re using a learned phrase rather than actually listening to what they’re saying. Rather than using a phrase that’s commonly used when employing an active listening script, I try not to change the subject or dive right into what I think. As I mentioned earlier, I ask more open-ended questions that encourage the person I’m speaking with to tell me more.

These are the top five semantic changes I’m currently experimenting with when I speak to people with the intention of connecting with them and truly understanding one another. Besides rephrasing how I would usually ask these questions, I’m also working on being conscious of how I’m feeling, especially how those feelings show up in my micro-expressions, and what I’m looking to gain out of a conversation. If I’m coming from a place for curiosity and care, rather than trying to get someone to agree with my ideas or give into something I want, I feel more connected and aligned with the person I’m communicating with, which leads to more meaningful and effective conversations.

What positive changes have you made to the way you communicate?