Ritualizing and Romanticising My Life

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It can be hard to get up in the morning. It can also be pretty challenging to stay asleep at night. I’ve shifted from a high-stress, demanding job to a slower-paced, deeper career, then to not having that at all. Despite my work-life balance or lack thereof, transitioning from sleep to wake and vice versa has always been challenging. To help ease the transitions between the day and night, I’ve begun to ritualize and romanticize each pivotal shift in energy that makes up waking and sleeping life. It’s truly helped a ton!

Morning Ritual

I make an effort not to open emails and social media first thing in the morning. I like to reflect on my dreams, at least the ones I can remember, and listen to my own voice rather than flooding my mind with whatever is going on in the outside world via my cell phone.

Instead of getting up immediately, I allow myself to lie in bed for a few minutes and in some cases, a few hours, upon waking. Why rush? My bed is so comfortable and I melt in it so in order to get me up, I turn on some music. This is a ritual that started in Abu Dhabi when I would listen to the same song every morning: Jenevieve’s Baby Powder, if you’re curious. It became Jack Harlow’s Loving On Me and then George Michael’s Father Figure. It changes every few weeks. That gets me into the shower and moving my body.

Getting ready used to take me an hour flat. Since I’ve adopted a more relaxed life, it’s now extended to an hour and a half or two hours. I put on my YouTube podcasts and slowly put on my make-up. This is where the romanticizing begins. It’s like I’m a French girl in front of her vanity mirror or a Geisha putting on her face and styling her hair in the morning. I take my time and enjoy little pleasures like an eye mask while I do my lashes and a guasha face massage as I moisturize my skin. Once I’ve blow dried and straightened my hair, I complete my morning ritual by slathering on my favorite scented body lotion, spritzing some perfume, and choosing an outfit that makes me feel good while reflecting my mood for the day. Being able to go through this routine every morning, while drinking my sugar-free Red Bull gets my day started just right.

Afternoon Ritual

The next daily ritual is lunch. I love a good meal so this is something I look forward to each day. I make a point to get out of the house and eat at one of my favorite local community spots. If I have the time, I venture out further for a specific dish I’m craving, like a banh mi from the best Vietnamese shop in Falls Church. This is another time when I can put on podcasts, blogs, or an audio book for my drive. These often inspire me to live and work in better ways, I learn a whole lot about a breadth of topics, and I’m able to think more creatively and innovatively because of the content I’m exposed to during these sessions.

To romanticize this, I eat slowly and savor every bite. I often enjoy dining with just myself because I can people watch and also be with my own thoughts. 

There are some days when I make a meal in my own kitchen and enjoy it by the window, looking out into the trees and sky. This is enjoyable too so I like to alternate and choose how I’d like to spend this time based on how I’m feeling that day.

I try to eat nutritiously, but often I make indulgent choices. The latter usually puts me in a bit of a food coma so work life is a bit slower in the afternoon. I try to knock out the easy stuff like answering emails, preparing presentations, or listening to webinars or online courses. If I had honored my morning ritual, I would have already tackled the more creative and thought-intensive work during that earlier period of my day. 

Nighttime Ritual

This part is still in the works. I’m trying to get out of the happy hour habit I’ve acquired through my consulting career, which was amplified during the pandemic. I have to think through how to best do this but I’ll usually spend this time reading a book, spending time with loved ones, taking a walk, making dinner, going to the movies, and sometimes watching television, although I’m not too big on that. 

Now, my nighttime ritual is fairly new. I’m making an after dinner tea like Valerian or Chamomile to slow my brain and body down. To romanticize this part of the day, I run a hot bubble bath in my garden tub, light a candle, and reflect on the day. I get into my body and relax. This is another opportunity to slather myself in lotion but with a more relaxing scent like lavender. I end the day with washing my face and brushing my teeth. This takes time too because it’s the reverse of my morning ritual and I don’t like to rush it. Lately, I’m also incorporating nighttime yoga, like Yoga Nidra, and breath work or meditation. 

As a oneirenaut, the quality of my sleep and dreams are just as important as how mindful and blissful I am in the daytime. By ritualizing these parts in my day, I feel more present, vibrant, and alive. I don’t feel like I’m just going through the motions of the day, being driven by the external world, or “living” life on auto-pilot. Of course, my routine changes a bit if I’m traveling, there’s a super early or late meeting with colleagues from other countries, or the workweek changes due to a holiday or vacation, but for the most part, I love the cycle of my days and nights when I make a point to ritialize and romanticize them. 

What do you do to ritualize and romanticize your life?

The Simple Life: Enjoying Blissful Little Pleasures

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How much of what we do in life is for other people vs. for ourselves? I’d posit that many of us make decisions based on what others expect from us and who they want us to be. I don’t advocate for living selfishly by any means. Being a part of a family, a community, a friend group, or a professional circle is critical to a fulfilling life, yet how easily do we lose our authentic selves in being everything to everyone else? Perhaps the fear of being outcasted causes us to shy away from sharing what we really think or what brings us joy. I couldn’t imagine a punishment more severe, except perhaps physical torment, than being forced into isolation or the psychological effects caused by being shunned for not conforming to a group’s values, beliefs, and ways of living. That being said, despite the social pressures to “be successful” in the traditional sense, if I were to look back on my life from my deathbed, would I have regretted not achieving certain milestones like graduating from college and getting an advanced degree, getting married and having children, rising in ranks in a reputable career and being recognized as a key contributor, or being financially capable of going on extravagant trips and experiencing the most luxurious things life has to offer? I do see value in those things, but not at at the expense of being able to enjoy life’s little pleasures. Here are a few of mine.

Idleness

I’ve learned that it’s actually a luxury to be bored. Having immigrated from the Philippines at a young age and seeing my mom and eldest brother, who served as my father figure, work at least two jobs at any given time instilled this strong, relentless work ethic in me. We never had much. We put a lot of time and effort into being able to afford anything we ever had. I never felt like we were lacking, but I did feel like hard work was always so central to our lives because we didn’t want to waste the opportunity we had to earn money and create a better life for ourselves compared to what would have been possible back home. I’ve carried this immigrant mentality into my life to the point where I found it actually quite difficult to “do nothing” over the past few years. Sitting still, focusing on my breath, and allowing my mind to be without thinking about everything I should or could do has been so peaceful. Not being in constant overdrive has healed my body and mind in a way I didn’t even think was necessary until I slowed down and enjoyed the silence.

Beauty

Each week, whether at the grocery store or the local farmer’s market, I pick up a bouquet of flowers. I do this not because I expect guests and want the house to look nice but because flowers are beautiful. They’re also ephemeral, which some might say is impractical because they’re going to die anyway. To me, beautiful things in life are fleeting, and there’s beauty in not just the peak but also the ascension and decay of any living thing. It reminds me that although society and the media have this unrealistic ideal that youthfulness equates with worth and beauty, there is beauty in the awkwardness of adolescence and the wrinkles we get from the life we’ve lived. I would be a hypocrite if I said I didn’t try to naturally take care of myself in a way that prolonged my youthful appearance, but I hope that as I age, I do so gracefully without feeling like my value is dwindling with each year beyond my best years. Who’s to say what years are the best anyway? It’s a Western concept that after a certain age, you are “over the hill” or there’s a downward trajectory from that point on. I love the Eastern perspective that sees beauty in the wisdom gained from old age. May I grow to become one of those wrinkly but happy old ladies.

The Mundane

I’ve always preferred independent films to big blockbuster movies. Same with books– I gravitate more towards books with day-to-day characters living life. There’s something cerebral about experiencing life from the perspective of an ordinary person going through the day, interacting with others, and observing life unfolding. Maybe that’s why I love Linklater’s Before Sunrise, Before Sunset, and After Midnight trilogy or J.D. Salinger books. Sure, life brings big adventures and dramatic experiences, but in between those high highs and low lows, there’s just today. Waking up to a new day, walking around the neighborhood, cozying up a good book, fixing up a delicious meal, watching the sun rise and set in awe, and having a little conversation with the people in our lives bring so much joy to me. As simple as those things are, they unveil the depth of complexity and wonder in my mind and soul. It reminds me that there’s so much going on inside of me. There’s an expansive world to explore there, too.

What brings you little pleasures in your life?

Seeking a Labor of Love: Guidelines for Taking the Leap into a New Career

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When the pandemic hit the emergency “stop” button on life two years ago, all of a sudden, I had more time to myself. Prior to that, I worked incessantly. I commuted at least three hours per day, and given the time I had left when I wasn’t sleeping, I worked. When I wasn’t actually working, I thought about work. Capricorn much?

Work was exciting though. For a handful of years, I woke up every day excited and full of energy given how lucky I was to have such an amazing opportunity. I was building a company as a part of an executive leadership team, led a group of management consultants who are an absolute pleasure to work with in every way, advised clients from the most recognizable organizations in the world, and I was afforded the opportunity to study authentic leadership at Harvard Business School. I traveled the world eating at the best restaurants, flew first class to exotic destinations, and stayed at the most luxurious hotels. I felt like I had arrived and everything I worked so hard for was at my fingertips. Then, gradually, I started to “wake up” in a different state. Either things were changing outside of me, within me, or both. At that point, when I reflected on who I was and what I wanted out of life and work, I felt like something was missing. I’ve spent the past two years trying to figure it out because, by all standard measures of success, I had it made. 

All of my self-reflection led me to really see the woman in me who had been caged by corporate life, made to amuse myself by watching the shadows on the cave wall while shackled from seeing the bright light of the reality that was outside of my peripheral vision. As I explored myself further, I began to shed the parts of me that were only there because of someone else’s expectations of who I should be and what I should do. I began to see my true essence again. I became more sensitive to the energy I wanted to be around vs. the energy that repelled me. The former was life-enhancing, genuinely kind, and full of love. The latter was life-destroying, mean, fake, and fueled by fear and insecurity. I felt a tightness in my body when I was around negative energy that I had to protect myself from as if I was out in the wild. In contrast, I felt my heart open and my body relax when I was around positive energy that brought out my best self. My intuition and self-awareness have strengthened so much over the past few years that when I expressed, several months ago, that I had decided to walk away from the company I loved and helped build because it was no longer what was best for me, it was a quick yet unwaveringly clear and firm decision.

I knew what I didn’t want. As soon as I decided to leave, there was no turning back. I could only move forward. Over the past few months, I’ve been on a journey to discover who I am underneath the layers of other people’s perceptions and expectations of me. I’ve been in search of what I truly do want. I explored organizations and opportunities that were like and unlike what I’ve spent my entire career focused on as a management consultant and corporate leader. For me, I knew that moving forward wasn’t necessarily moving upwards but more inwards. 

In the dozens of conversations I had purely out of curiosity about other people and their work lives, the handful of interviews I engaged in, and the inner and outer exploration of myself, I finally decided to move forward with an opportunity to work for an organization helping developing countries in areas such as modernizing agriculture, economic stabilization, access to education, and protecting human and women’s rights. This pivot to a completely different world, especially the non-profit sector, is a significant change from what I’m used to however I believe that it’s a shift that brings me closer to who I truly am and I’m excited for all of the doors this new career will open for me. When deciding to head in this direction, as opposed to say big tech or some household name in business, the choice I made represents me as someone defined by the characteristics below. I hope these distinctions help bring you closer to a labor of love that allows you to be who you truly are and do what makes you feel alive. 

I am someone who is…

  • Following my heart, not my ego. My heart knows that I feel most fulfilled when I’m doing something that allows me to really see and help people. It’s my ego driving when I’m making decisions based on what will increase my status or allow me to check off the boxes of success in a traditional Western sense.
  • Finally prioritizing my health and well-being. This new life requires less grinding and wearing the burnout badge to demonstrate how much harder I can work than everyone else. I spend more time resting, having fun, spending quality time with loved ones, being creative artistically, and doing the things I love like having introspective conversations, reading books, writing in my journal, and thinking about big ideas. The income we make is merely a means to an end. For me, I care about having time and the freedom to spend that time focused on who and what I really care about.  
  • Choosing balance and a slower and more intentional life/work pace that creates the space for me to be and become the person I want to be. I’m more in tune with myself when I’m being a kind-hearted, people-focused soul who improves people’s lives and experiences in a real and impactful way. My calendar which was once full of back-to-back meetings no longer defines me. I determine what’s on my calendar and design my work life accordingly to what will have the most impact, rather than what will allow me to accomplish more and more. 
  • Focusing on the people I develop relationships with rather than the money I could make from connecting with them. Stepping away from pure sales and business development work allows me to really see people’s value rather than being forced to see them as merely an opportunity to grow my business. The corporate world has a way of making you believe that it’s okay, in fact in your best interest, to not get too close and personal with people in business but business people are humans at the end of the day. When I look back on life, I won’t be proud of the amount of money I made or the contracts I’ve won. I’ll be proud of the human connections I made, the people I truly saw for who they were, and the people who I loved and loved me. 
  • Demonstrating a real interest in the big problems our world is facing. I look forward to going beyond expressing care and concern about the world’s problems and instead finding a way to actively help causes I care about like education and women’s/human rights. This lights a fire in me and it shows me who I can be in this world if I dedicate my time and efforts to things that matter. 
  • Surrounding myself with people who want to change and improve the world. Beyond wanting to create positive change, I want to get to know people who have the courage to implement solutions. I’ve already gotten a glimpse at those who have chosen a more challenging path that may not pay as much as it should, but they still do the work and find purpose and meaning in it. I’m truly excited to be surrounded by people like this so that I can learn as much as possible from them and support them with their efforts. 
  • Motivating myself rather than being motivated by praise or acceptance from someone in a position of power over me. I’m adamant about setting my own vision and being brave enough to do what I need to achieve it. It’s about carving my own path and bringing beauty, wisdom, and ingenuity into the world. They say, if you don’t decide which direction you’re heading, someone will surely decide for you. I will be making these decisions going forward. 
  • A role model woman, Filipina, minority, and millennial. I’m tapping into what makes me unique and defining my own success rather than waiting for someone to tell me what success is and how to go about achieving it. These are different facets of me that I also share with others. We are all connected in different ways and I find meaning in tapping into those connections. 
  • Being an authentic leader like my mom. I strive to be someone who cares for people whether they can give back anything in return. Similar to my mom, a midwife who brought life into this world whether people had the money to pay her for her services or not. She was a well-respected person in the community whose impact touched the lives of many people. That is the path I want to follow. 

This new chapter of my life is one marked by self-actualization. I want to really shine as the most expressive version of my true self while finding the silence and humility to focus on being this person, not only appearing like this person. Every choice I make going forward will be a reflection of who I really am and what I was meant to experience as a vibrant spirit living in a human body. As I turn the page to this new chapter, I wonder whether perhaps this is a whole new book altogether. 

Who are you when you’re at your best and how are you able to express that through the work that you do?

Learn How to Drive: Your Car and Your Mental States

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There are a lot of stereotypes out there about bad Asian drivers. For me, I’ll admit, it’s true. I’m not the best driver in the world and I blame it on the fact that I should be paying more attention than I often am while on the road. Dangerous, I know. But, I’m working on it! Last weekend, I decided to get a car wash. It was the first one for this particular vehicle which I invested in after I got rear-ended within a week of the new year starting. It’s a “smart” vehicle, meaning it has cameras and sensors all around it to literally take the wheel if I’m veering into the next lane, light up or beep if I’m getting too close to another car or pedestrian, and give me a birds-eye-view of my vehicle which eliminates any excuse I could ever have about being too small to see whether I’m double-parked. Anyhow, you should know by now that I love metaphors as a way of understanding and communicating about life. So, as my car freaked the F*#! out as it went through its very first car wash, it got me thinking about how driving a car is a lot like getting a handle on our mental states.

I wish I was cool enough to drive a stick, but besides that time my cousin let me drive his car in the neighborhood, I’ve always driven an automatic. In this blog, I’ll share my thoughts on how my car being in park, drive, auto-plot, reverse, and neutral correspond with choosing the right mental states given the current circumstance. Mastering both will not only help us better get from point A to point B but helps us to realize that being in control of our lives doesn’t always necessarily mean being the control freak that you are. Okay… that I am. 

PARK 

Especially recently, my vehicle has been in Park most of the time. Part of the reason I even got a Hybrid vehicle is because my previous lifestyle had me on the road driving to and from work or to see family and friends for about a handful of hours each day. My vehicle being in Park most of the time saves me gas, reduces the amount of time I have to spend on maintenance, and prolongs the lifespan of my car. Being in Park for way too long though may create challenges in starting the engine back up due to lack of use.  

This is the same when our minds are on chill mode. Maybe we’re watching a movie, scrolling on social media, or blacking out from having way too many cocktails at home. Having this much downtime was a dream come true when quarantine first started. Then, after a while, it got old and I started to think about better ways to spend my time. I couldn’t let life just pass me by and similar to having a vehicle with features that are meant for long, beautiful rides with its panoramic sunroof, off-roading capabilities, and bumpin’ speaker system, what good is a young, sharp mind if I don’t use it? I’m more conscious now of how much time I spend binge-watching Netflix vs. taking in life-enriching information through books, podcasts, and videos. Even if I physically can’t go to very many places, I can go on a wild journey internally and that has taken me so far in only a handful of months.

DRIVE 

Driving actually gets you places. But how often are we driving only to realize that we’ve gotten to our destination without even remembering the ride? Driving is best when it’s intentional and exploratory. You’re paying attention to the road but not hyper-vigilantly raging at someone who cut you off or is driving too slow. You’re feeling the petal underneath your foot and the steering wheel within your hands. Sometimes you know where you’re going and choose the most efficient route or if you have time, you take the scenic route. Other times, which I’ve done more so recently, you just drive and explore to see where the roads will take you.

Being in Drive mode is like when our mind is productive. Even though I’m on Zoom calls all day, I get a lot done. I set goals as my destinations and I work towards them. I’ve been working a lot, building and growing my business, and it’s been a blast being able to do so with colleagues that are as equally, sharp, driven, and fun to be around. Both in life and in my actual vehicle though, I have, at times, exhausted all my gas and before I knew it, I was on empty with no gas station around. It meant that I had to run on empty, scared that my vehicle would give out before I was able to find a way to replenish the energy I needed to complete the trip. The warning here is that productivity is important, but you will burn out if you’re not balancing going with being still.

AUTO-PILOT

Then, there’s auto-pilot. I don’t use auto-pilot much but I have used it on long trips. What’s great about my new vehicle is that once you set it, it’s actually smart enough to sense a vehicle ahead of it and slow down as needed. Traditional cars require you to see those vehicles to reset your auto-pilot speed or turn it off altogether. Auto-pilot is great because you can set it and forget it. But it’s always felt weird for me.

It feels awkward to go on auto-pilot at work and at home too. This goes back to being a control freak. As a leader in my organization, I have incredibly reliable team leaders and members. It feels fantastic when I’m able to keep my eyes on the road while plotting the overall journey and pit stops without having to worry about managing my speed, direction, or day-to-day operations. Auto-pilot is a great feature for vehicles and our mental states. It just takes a bit of getting used to and a little work for us to trust others and things outside of ourselves. Once you’re able to get used to it though, you realize it does work to let life run its course especially when you’ve set up mechanisms like auto-pay on credit cards or recurring home maintenance to take care of the stuff you shouldn’t have to spend precious mental energy on.

REVERSE 

Every vehicle allows you to go in reverse. Whether it’s to back out of your driveway or this one time where I found myself in the middle of the woods on a one-way road leading to nowhere, it’s a necessary feature of any car. It’s much harder to back out for me then it is to move forward, but I’ve gotten really good at backing into parking spaces in tight lots, which ultimately makes it easier to get out when the time comes.

Mentally, I do reflect on what’s happened but try my best to not overdo this. It’s important to learn from our mistakes but we shouldn’t dwell on them. Life also requires us to take a few steps back before we move forward so although we have this option, I suggest using it only when absolutely necessary and when it’ll make your life easier in the long run. 

NEUTRAL

Lastly, and I think most importantly, you can put your car in neutral. As I locked my wheels into the track for the car wash, the sign reminded me to put the car in neutral, take my foot off the gas, and let go of the steering wheel. This is always a slightly uncomfortable shift for both my vehicle and me because I’m used to being in control. I know, however, that by taking the wheel, I could really mess up my rims and also defeat the whole purpose of the car wash. Even though my car was sounding the alarm as all of the sensors were being triggered by all of the machinery necessary to wash it, I had to let go and let it do its thing. At the end of the car wash, everything was okay and my car was cleaner than ever. 

Car washes are like detox or meditation. You have to do it. The rain may help to wash away some debris the same way taking a little break might help us to get our energy back, but regularly taking the time to really clear out the junk in our minds is so important. Meditation comes in many forms and the types I prefer most are the simplest ones. You don’t have to stop thinking altogether or force yourself not to be distracted by other thoughts and sounds around you. You just close your eyes and observe without judgment. Listen to ambient noises, allow thoughts to come and then let them go, and you take your foot off the gas by just breathing and being.

It is so mentally rejuvenating to not be driving or be driven. One of my favorite books that has allowed me to more comfortably get into the neutral state is the Untethered Soul by Michael Singer. It reminds me that regardless of what I do, life and the universe are infinitely flowing and by realizing that ultimately, I’m not in control, I can get to where I’m headed with the least resistance and it’s absolutely liberating. 

What are you doing to be more mindful of your mental states?

Manifestation and My Hedonism

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It’s been five months of being quarantined now so I’ve had a lot of time to reflect. And, also a lot of time to watch YouTube videos. I’ve heard people talk about Abraham Hicks so I’ve tuned in to what she’s had to say about manifestation. I’ve also watched movies like The Secret and What the Bleep Do We Know? Although I understand that willing something alone is insufficient for manifesting it into reality, I do strongly believe it starts there. In my exploration of manifestation, it’s begged the question of what do I ultimately want to manifest? The answer that comes to mind is that, basically, I just want to go to the spa.

Conceptually, I wish the answer to this question about what I want in life immediately brought me to thoughts like love, peace, and compassion for all mankind. Or, spiritual enlightenment from being an ascetic who abstains from all of life’s pleasures as a means of tapping into my true self. I guess my current spiritual maturity isn’t quite there yet. At least, I believe that it starts with my direct experience of love, peace, and compassion for myself that will ultimately help me to bring that vibe to others. As Gandhi said, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.” For me right now, the change I want to see is the embodiment of more of a joie de vivre or joy of life. Here’s what that looks like for me as a total hedonist.

Seeing Beauty

I miss traveling the world because there’s such a difference between watching the Travel Channel or Travel Blogs and actually being on a pristine beach with clear water and white sand on a remote island in the Philippines. To me, traveling has always been a way to see the beauty our world has to offer in the form of nature, whether that’s how the sky looks from different parts of our planet, or just people watching from a cafe in Vienna where you can see how people move and interact so differently from the Northern Virginia life to which I’m accustomed.

The first thing on my hedonistic manifestation list is more and more travel: Santorini, Bali, Osaka, Amsterdam, Bangkok, Singapore, and Sicily are on top of my list. I’d also like to get to these beautiful places in first class because as bougie as it sounds, the added luxury just adds to the overall experience. I want champagne the second I sit in my pod and all the hot towels, socks, lotion, and delicious food on real plates and silverware. I really like the white table cloth and fully reclining seats, especially if I’m going to be in the air for more than a handful of hours.

Touch and Feeling Beautiful

This kind of goes hand-in-hand with traveling because wherever I go, the absolute number one experience I seek out is a luxurious spa. I’m in my head all day at work and grind day in and day out, so any opportunity I get to spend the day at the spa is my ultimate indulgence. Whether it’s at a resort in Mexico, a cruise ship over the Carribean, or overseas in a foreign country, I am all about the spa experience.

The tranquility of it all, especially when the facility is well-designed and the staff is well-trained, is out of this world and it’s what truly helps me disconnect from the stress and anxiety of the real world. I can step into a dream world with water fountains, cold towels, fruit and tea, and then of course heavenly treatments inspired by ancient self-care practices from all over the world like India, Sweden, and Thailand. The spa can just take all my money.

Hearing Beautiful Sounds

This week, had it not been for this pandemic, I would have had front row seats to see John Legend at Wolf Trap. I was so excited and then so disappointed when I learned that Wolf Trap was no longer doing shows this summer. I’m not a big concert or music-festival-going person. I’m more of a chill, pull out a lawn chair with an ice-cold beer kind of girl. Some of my favorite concert memories have been James Taylor and Jack Johnson. I’m also into the sultry jazz club scene, so the third item on my hedonist manifestation list is the opportunity to see my favorite artists up close and personal to really hear their beautiful voices. I’d start with Norah Jones. I want to be moved from my core by just listening and feeling the sounds.

Smelling Beautiful Scents

This hedonistic pleasure for me is probably more tied to spas and fine dining restaurants. I’m big into essential oils and their ability to heal, change your mood, and set the tone for an experience. For me, scents of eucalyptus, frangipani, and exotic fruits just put me at ease. I can close my eyes, take in a deep inhale of these scents, and slip into my happy place. Whether it’s on the beach or whatever scent they pump into the lobbies of nice hotels, I’m all about it.

Similarly, the scent of food triggers me. It could be the complexity of the spices from a Thai, Indian, or Southern Comfort Food feast or a dining experience like dim sum or street food. Besides the spa, my travels usually revolve around finding new food experiences from where the locals go to where the elite dine. I live to eat and love being fully immersed in a foodie experience.

Taste Beautiful Dishes

This brings us to my last hedonistic pleasure that I want to manifest. I’ve spent the past five months tapping into my dining experience memories to recreate the tastes that brought me so much joy in my exploration of the world. I’ve cooked literally everything… Beef Wellington, Pad Thai, Pho, Butter Chicken, Italian Pastas, Bar-B-Q, Filipino faves, you name it. Now, I’m ready to be fed! This is the longest stretch I’ve gone without eating at a restaurant and I can’t wait to see how the food scene will emerge from this pandemic with their creative and deepened approaches to food.

I do feel a bit guilty that when I think about what I want to manifest in my life, my aspirations are full of hedonistic desires. I will say though that when I envision my life and the fruits of my labor, I don’t see myself enjoying these experiences alone. Through this quarantine, I’ve deepened my relationship with the people I love even from afar. I see more clearly the people who bring joy and meaning to my life. I want to experience all of this with them and create beautiful memories to look back on. If you ask me why I work so hard, besides for the love of the work itself, it’s because I want to experience all that the world has to offer in my short time here on this planet. So, there it is… my dreams and hedonistic focus of my manifestation energy. Now, do your thing universe!

What brings you joy and how are you fully indulging in the moment?

The Right Way to Do Nothing According to Taoists

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First, I’ll put the disclaimer out there that these are my reflections about Taoist principles and by no means am I saying that this is the way. As Lao Tzu, who is attributed to the Tao Te Ching wrote, “The Tao that can be told is not the eternal Tao.” That is, to try to articulate this Eastern spiritual philosophy is not the same thing as the “Tao” itself because although we can discuss it as a concept, it’s something that we have to personally experience to truly understand. If that’s still a little confusing, maybe our favorite honey-loving bear can explain it better in the Tao of Pooh. 

Doing nothing

Taoists actually have a name for doing nothing: wu-wei. During these times of quarantine, we may have different associations with doing nothing. I’ve spent a lot of time eating, drinking, watching television, and scrolling through social media. I’m even on the verge of the ultimate form of doing nothing as I consider downloading Tik Tok. Prior to this pandemic, I’ve done this type of nothing mostly on the weekends because my weekdays are all about doing something: working. Working day in and day out, working on a million different things at once and working on how to be better at working. As Rihanna put it, work, work work, work, work. 

I have to say that I lost myself a bit in all that work, which is not uncommon for management consultants. When you are not only ambitious but you’re surrounded by other people who are also ambitious, so much so that they’re even competitive about who’s more ambitious, you may see a lot of productivity but it’s often at the expense of individual well-being in a non-material sense. Maybe that’s an American mindset more so than just a consulting one. I’m hoping that by revisiting one of the philosophies that resonated with me the most during the peak of my personal development in college, I can find myself a bit more again. Here’s the excerpt from the Tao Te Ching that triggered that for me this week:

Those who stand on tiptoes do not stand firmly.

Those who rush ahead don’t get very far.

Those who try to outshine others dim their own light. 

 

Trying to Stop Trying

I’m the type of person that gets anxiety over a vision test because I don’t want to do poorly on it. I strain my eyes to see the letters without the aid of my contacts and I wonder whether I got it right or wrong. I know I don’t have 20/20 vision but if I’m going to do something, I want to do it to the best of my ability because I am all about living my virtuous life in the spirit of continuous improvement so that I’m always living in accordance with excellence. Thanks, Aristotle. Trying to “pass” a vision test defeats the whole purpose though because if my optometrist doesn’t have a true sense of what I can and can’t see, he can’t prescribe me the appropriate prescription for my lenses. Ultimately, it means that in trying to see, I can’t fully see at all. Damn, that’s so deep.

Consulting is all about making recommendations for what managers and executives should do to solve the challenges they face as an organization. In a sense, I have to be able to provide actionable guidance on what should yield specific results and do so in a way that increases the probability of a specific outcome. It’s the same approach I take on my life. When I want something in my life, whether it’s a certain income, an ideal weight, the optimal vacay experience, I get out my spreadsheet or to-do list, and I plan the hell out of it. This works in most cases because I’ve become really good at planning my life in a way that helps me to achieve certain goals, but there seem to be other things I want in my life that aren’t as easily achievable, like balance, complete relaxation, and peace of mind. My body is quick to tell me when these things are out of sorts but when I’m working, it’s so easy to ignore signals of distress.

In this time of solitude, I’ve been able to bring it back to my breath because by focusing on my breath, I spend less time reflecting on what may have happened today or yesterday that was less than ideal or didn’t go as planned. My breath also keeps me from worrying about the future and running endless scenarios in my head about how something could and should go and what my action plan would be given those various permutations. In the here and now, I know that everything is okay. It brings to mind a mantra I learned from my recent self-hypnosis guide: “I am safe. I am calm. I’m where I choose to be.” In this moment, I am so grateful for my health, my shelter, and the day ahead of me, which can bring so much joy if I allow it to do so. And, that’s the key, to allow it. It is another way to translate wu-wei: non-doing. Trying to control all the things that are beyond my control and worrying about it ad nauseum will not change things. By riding this wave and letting it take its course, rather than trying to dominate the ocean which is much more powerful than I am, I’ll be at one with it. David Foster Wallace put it beautifully in his little story:

There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says, “Morning, boys, how’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes, “What the hell is water?”

Wallace reminds us that “this is water, this is water.” It’s all water, baby. 

What are you doing and not doing right now? 

Woo Woo or Ahhh Haaa: Meditative Practices

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I came across this Instagram post that resonated with me this past week. It said, “Trying to decide whether I should buy my feelings today or eat them?” with a message that advised: Get you a girl who can do both. That’s definitely how I’ve been spending my weekends but during the past few weeks, once I’ve put a good day of work in, I’ve explored, and in certain cases revisited, certain healing practices that have connected me more to myself and environment around me, namely Self and Guided Hypnosis, Tarot Reading, and Qigong.

Since my last post about how my grocery shopping experience has changed each week due to COVID-19, a close cousin of mine suffered through and passed away from it. That was especially hard to process because it made this virus even more real and reinforced this new way of living. The automatic reaction to hearing news like that is to be there by my family’s side to support them through this tough time, yet being together is the one thing we can’t do right now. Going through the grieving process is just not the same over Zoom and group chats. This all had me feeling some kind of way– anxious, fearful, sad, angry… not quite sure so for the sake of my waistline and wallet, I’ve tried a few things to help me come to terms with this new reality. 

Oh, and also, no grocery store this week. I just ordered my groceries from Whole Foods to be delivered to my doorstep this weekend. This included my wine, which is probably not the healthiest coping mechanism either, but the indulgence of which is totally on-brand for me.

Self and Guided Hypnosis

This one is new to me. I’ve studied and practiced yoga and meditation since I started college, marking another point of time in my life when I turned to safer methods of self-exploration beyond those typical of a teenager curious about her body and mind would have been involved with. Back then, I didn’t actually categorize hypnosis as a way to connect you to yourself for healing purposes. I just remember watching a show on television where a hypnotist incited roaring laughter by getting a panel of participants to do crazy things they would never have done had they not been under hypnosis. I’m a bit of a psychonaut so I was always interested in trying it myself but similar to other state-of-mind-altering methods, it fell into the category that scared me a bit because although I want to explore, I don’t want to get lost or lose control. 

I couldn’t sleep one night, which is happening more and more lately, so I turned to Holiticism’s Liminal Library and decided to tune into a webinar about self-hypnosis. I learned a few things and actually gave it a try. One thing that made me feel safer about trying it is the idea that despite what the media portrays, you can’t be unwillingly put under a hypnotic state. You have to choose to do it and only by allowing it will you be able to experience it. That appeased my irrational fear that I would be mentally, or even financially, taken advantage of if someone, or even a YouTube video, put me under this state of consciousness. 

The other thing that opened me up to this experience is the scientific explanation for it. Not that I’m the type of person who needs a scientific explanation for things. I believe that science has its limits and in certain cases, it is only now proclaiming truths that have been found in ancient traditions dating back to thousands of years ago. Anyhow, being someone who’s intrigued by neuroscience and cognitive psychology, I liked hearing about the distinction between Beta, Theta, Alpha, and Delta brain waves. The gist of it is that in between a highly alert and awake state (Beta) and a deep sleep state (Delta), there are two relaxed states both of which are ideal for exploring yourself. There’s the Alpha state which is the type of relaxed when you’re not thinking, i.e. when you’re getting a massage, and then the Theta state which is the type of relaxed where you are mindful of your thoughts, like when you’re meditating, scrolling through social, or that period when you’re in bed and not fully asleep or awake. That Theta state is optimal for hypnosis and in a sense, whether we call it that or not, we’re in some sort of hypnosis whenever we’re in that state of mind. 

Ok, I’m far from a scientist, but hypnosis being explained to me that way helped me to step into it. It started with deep breathing, imagining a light coming through the tip of my head and throughout my body, and then quietly listening to the sounds around me, asking myself to hear sounds farther and farther from me. The big ah ha moment for me was not an idea that was totally novel, but an experience of something I know to be true. It’s something I reflected on when I heard Stephen Covey say, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.” In this relaxed state, I initially didn’t hear anything because my thoughts were the object of my attention or hell, I wasn’t conscious of the fact that my thoughts were just guiding me through my next thought or action. In the dead of the night, I heard the ceiling fan swirling, then I heard my refrigerator buzzing, and even farther I heard crickets chirping and cars buzzing through the side street. The aha moment was that all of this was happening and because I’m always so carried away with my thoughts, I sometimes don’t realize that I can choose what to pay attention to and that is magical.

Tarot Reading

This one is probably the most woo woo of the different things I’ve explored this week. Part of me associates it with witchcraft and other esoteric practices categorized as “New Age” but in the same way I was intrigued by Voo Doo when visiting New Orleans, I don’t judge it and I’m open to seeing what it’s all about. I had an unopened tarot deck stuffed behind where I store board games in the closet. Interesting taxonomic choice, I know, but that wasn’t intentional. I fueled my attention span with an iced coffee, removed the plastic wrapping (even though I bought this maybe a year ago), and cracked open the guide book it came with to begin learning how to use and interpret the deck. I was feeling particularly studious so I grabbed my favorite pen and pulled out my “spiritual practice” journal and created a section where I outline what I learned from the book. My main takeaways included the basics of what the deck included: Major Arcana which represented deeply meaningful archetypes and Minor Arcanas which were more situational and could represent people in our lives. Then I learned about the numbering system and the general meaning for the different symbols: Wands, Swords, Cups, and Pentacles. After looking at a few pictures of how to shuffle, cut, and present the cards, I did my first reading for myself.

Surprisingly, it was on point. I presented three cards to represent my past, present, and future. It said that my past involved a quest for knowledge, my present was characterized by a lot of pressures and almost threats to my well being, but my future brought forth the opportunity to help others, the act of which would come back to me ten-fold or more. I learned that when you flip the cards, you should pause to reflect on how the image makes you think and feel before you interpret what it means. Then, I opened the book and navigated to the page that corresponded with the cards to read through what they meant. Beyond that, I had to interpret its meaning for myself. Another key point is that the interpretation should be read in a way that supported my growth rather than stunted it like if a card that symbolized death came up, that doesn’t necessarily mean someone in my life is about to die but instead, it could mean an end of an era and the door opening for something new. How different is tarot reading from going to a museum and reflecting on different pieces of art and applying it to our way of thinking and living?

Qigong

I was scrolling through upcoming MeetUps and came across a free guided Qigong session. This is something I came across way back in my late teens, early twenties when I worked at a yoga studio. I even bought an instructional video once after becoming really intrigued by it. The way this instructor described it, Qigong is an older form of Taigi or Tai Chi. The gist of this practice is that beyond the blood flowing through our veins, we also have these meridian channels that allow for the flow of energy within our bodies. Our energy also flows with the energy around us (“Chi” or “Qi”) and if we practice methods like Qigong, Tai Chi, Reiki, etc., we can sense blockages of energy that could be the root of bad thoughts, feelings, and actual disease, which would then allow us to heal ourselves. I am all about this! As Nicola Tesla put it, “If you want to find the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency and vibration.”

As I’ve mentioned in the past, my work is go, go, go! I rarely have the opportunity to slow down and breathe. On Fridays, when possible, I crash, stop completely, and just want to turn my brain completely off. Practicing Qigong at 5:30pm on a weekday did not use to be a possibility for me given my corporate life, so I felt fortunate and thankful that I could take the time to do this. First of all, I’m not a very patient person, so even the idea of slowing down my movements and being very mindful of the energy running through my fingertips and surrounding my being is not an easy feat. The other neat, yet somewhat strange, thing was that we were doing this via Zoom and besides the instructor, there was one another person following along. I tried not to be self-conscious and just followed the movements. I was really into it and would do more of it but there was one side effect, though I can’t be sure it was directly connected. As I went through the movements and even much later in that evening, I felt sadness. My typical happiness and well-being median is high, meaning I feel extreme joy and sadness like anyone else, but I usually revert back to a state that’s pretty positive and confident. Along with the sadness was this anxiety and restlessness I couldn’t explain. 

I won’t end on a womp womp note. Ultimately, I think these new methods of self-exploration allowed me to feel my feelings, which I believe to be a critical part of living a healthy life. It means that we’re not suppressing these undesirable feelings and seeing them manifest in negative ways down the road. These new practices are also ushering me through a transformative period in my life and I’m hoping they help me to navigate even tougher challenges that will inevitably come about as I grow in my life and career. Lastly, I see these practices allowing me to achieve so much more in life and create a greater sense of abundance both materially and spiritually. I’m hopeful that I will finally get out of my head, which is where I spent most of my time, and instead be more mindful of my body to then clue me into who I really am and the connection I have with others and the rest of the universe.

What are you doing to cope with the current situation?

Life Changes and Trips to the Grocery Store

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Given the global pandemic, many things have changed in our world. We are quarantined in our homes and our primary way to connect with one another is via Zoom video calls. As we spend so much time away from others and with ourselves, our internal world becomes more apparent to ourselves. One thing that hasn’t changed though is the enjoyment I get from going to the grocery store. That weekly experience, however, has changed and it’s changed alongside the transformation I’m experiencing inside of me, as well. 

Four Weeks Prior

About four weeks ago, we heard of the first cases of Coronavirus (COVID-19) as they popped up on the northeast of the US, having originated in China. I went about my regular hour-or-so-each-way commute during the first part of the week, then teleworked on Thursday like I do every week. That Friday was the first time I had to decide whether to go into work or stay home. All of this was still very new but information was being released rapidly in regards to the speed at which others caught it. Plus, it was fatal. So, I decided to work from home that final day of the week. 

I went to the grocery that week. There had been a lot of panic around stocking up on toilet paper and given how little I or anyone knew about this pandemic, I went ahead and bought a package even though we already had one or two at home. The shelves were well stocked and everything was “normal” at the grocery store. I went about my shopping experience, as usual, buying the things I needed for that evening’s recipe and walking the aisles discovering new things I wanted to try. I love going to the grocery store because cooking is kind of my medium, my outlet for creativity if you will. Being at the grocery store is like being in an art supply store– the possibilities are as endless as my imagination. I go home with more bags of groceries than I probably need to feed two people but I’ve gotten my fix.

Three Weeks Prior

The following week, there is a lot more information available about the virus: (1) it’s not airborne, rather you catch it by coming into contact with an infected person’s fluids when they cough and sneeze, (2) it’s only fatal under certain conditions like if you’re immunocompromised and you aren’t able to get the proper care, and (3) you can go several weeks without symptoms but during that time period, you can still infect others. I’m not a news junkie nor do I dig deep into medical research, but I try and learn enough “facts” to make daily decisions. Based on this, I start working from home during the days I typically would go into the office and my company makes this an easier decision by encouraging us to do so. 

Now, I’m more cautious, but I still need to go to the grocery store. There are fewer people and the shelves are stocked for the most part except toilet paper and hand sanitizer shelves are completely wiped out. There seem to be fewer people at the grocery store and people are a little more careful about the degree to which they interact with other people and the things they touch. There are messages everywhere to wash your hands and to keep from touching your face. At this stage, I go about my grocery shopping while being a bit more aware of my surroundings than usual. Things aren’t the same, but they’re not too different.

Two Weeks Prior

Now, this virus is really spreading and around this time, the US peaks at having the most cases in the world despite how small our population is compared to countries like China and India. That was definitely alarming. By this time, our governor has issued a shelter-in-place order and work has extended the work-from-home time period. All over social there are messages informing others about how the virus spreads and even if you’re not in the “vulnerable” demographic and you’re likely to recover quickly, don’t be an @$!&* and infect others unknowingly. Things are clearly getting more serious.

I go to the grocery and things have changed significantly. A store owner hands me gloves, there are police officers monitoring you as you walk in, and there are clear indications at the checkout line to enforce 6 feet of distance between you and the person in front and behind you. I grab my essentials (wine and ingredients to make comfort food) and head home to participate in some virtual happy hours, Netflix binging, and dabbling in new hobbies, like video games and gardening. The world has in fact changed but as long as I do my part by keeping my distance, I’m helping, or at least not making it worse. I’m getting a bit stir crazy at home because I’m used to variety in my day– both the time I wake up and the location I wake up in due to work travel. Now, it’s like groundhogs day and I go to sleep and wake up at the same time each day only to go about my daily routine at home then do the same thing the next day. 

One Week Prior

The CDC now tells us that everyone should be wearing masks. Up until this point, in the US at least, we were told not to wear masks because there was a shortage in supply and we needed to reserve them for medical professionals. Businesses are truly struggling to keep afloat given their limited cash flow and people are losing their jobs, unable to easily find new ones. Don’t even mention the stock market. It sounds like we’re at our peak but I’ve heard it’ll get worse and that it’ll get better from here. 

Sleeping at night is tough. I’m worried about many things I can’t control but also, what day is it? Wine and comfort food isn’t as comforting anymore, although that doesn’t stop me from indulging in them. I still go to the grocery, but I’m super careful, of course. Beyond just something I enjoy doing each week, it’s now my way of seeing what the real world is like outside of what’s portrayed in the media, especially social media. Things are different now. Stores are rationing what you purchase, there are significantly fewer people out, and most notably, most people are wearing masks now. I associate masks with SARS and other epidemics that I had seen and heard about but never directly experienced. Now, I’m hyper-conscious about everything. When I come home, I’m thinking much more deeply about what this all means. Are things ever going to be the same again? What impact is this having that we’re not even aware of? When you take all of these things away, what am left with? How am I reacting to all of this and what does it mean about who I am? Who am I? How should I live? It gets deep pretty fast. I’m not at a point yet where I feel helpless about the situation, instead, I’m much more reflective. Hopefully, that means that rather than helplessness, I find a sense of power as a result of experiencing all of this.

Today

I’m rediscovering who I am without being overly concerned about how I’m being perceived because I’ve spent much more time with just me. I believe more than ever that I need to reflect and do the inner work necessary to be the type of human who can not only endure the worst of it but can lead others through incredibly tough times marked by unprecedented change. I haven’t found the answers yet but I have rediscovered the questions that matter. Who knows, maybe this week, I turn to grocery delivery services. What I do know is that as the external world has changed, so has my internal world, and this is just the beginning.

How has your world changed since this pandemic began to spread?

The Circle of Life: Back to Buddhist Principles

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Sometimes you see it coming, other times you don’t. But when a family member passes, it almost always triggers a state of deep reflection about life, its meaning and purpose, and its transcience. I’ve never really needed a major life event to prompt me to think deeply, but just recently, in the face of a family member’s unexpected death and in the teary eyes of all of those who loved him, it made me think about my life and brought me back to the basics of the Buddhist principles of good word, good thought, and good deed.

Funerals, especially in my Filipino culture, bring families together. It had been a while since I had seen a few of the cousins I grew up with when I was young. Some were celebrating birthdays this week, others were with child, many of them were running around after their little ones, and then there were those like me, not really at any of life’s big milestones, just living my everyday life.

Lately, life for me has been focused on my work. I’ve traveled all over the world, experienced profound growth professionally and personally, and have been given opportunities to build a company, a team, and a legacy. Being in management consulting, if you let it carry you in its traditional ways, you can get caught up in the money, the deception, and the indulgent, often cold lifestyle. Luckily for me, I’ve had guidance along the way to direct me towards a kinder, whole-hearted, and very human approach to this type of work, but it doesn’t mean the pull towards the more superficial and dog-eat-dog mindset doesn’t still give a little tug every now then.

When I think about how I want to live and work, along with what I want to strive towards, abundance and continuous growth, learning, and development always come to mind. Beyond my conceptual ambitions though, the foundation of my daily practice is love, care, and support for myself, those closest to me including family and friends, my community, and ultimately the world. I want to strengthen and expand this compassion and the “how” is through good thought, good words, and good deeds, as taught by the Buddha and in more modern times, the Dalai Lama.

Good Thought

It always starts here because your thoughts are what determine your focus. Your focus is where your energy goes. Your energy is what you manifest. This could mean manifesting your micro-expressions that influence your every day interactions and relationships, to the things you attract into your life like life-changing people, experiences, and adventures. I have to be mindful of my thoughts and how they affect the energy around me. I will meditate more.

Good Word

Word have vibrations as well. There are those with good vibes, bad vibes, and everything in between. Words also bring us closer to others in our relationships or they tear us apart. Improving my ability to communicate and facilitate meaningful conversations will help me to strengthen the relationship I have with those who come into my life. I will put more effort towards effective communication.

Good Deed

When what you do is in alignment with what you say and what you think, there’s this authenticity and life force that flows through you. When I’m being selfish and thinking only of what will benefit me, I’m never satisfied and can be left with a sense of emptiness and lack of fulfillment. When I help others through tough times or to get closer to what they need and want in life, I feel truly happy. I will serve those around me and find ways to really see them, appreciate them, and support them.

My mom was saying that in the Philippines, unlike here in America, funerals are full of food, drinks, gambling, laughter, and bonding with those who the individual who passed through brought together in their lives. It reminds me a lot of my wedding when all the people I loved were in one room celebrating our life and love. My heart was so full. When my time comes, I hope that my life has brought together good people, who continue to practice the principles of good thought, good word, and good deed, carrying forth the spirit of peace, love, and compassion to all living beings.

How mindful are you of your thoughts, words, and deeds?

Conversation at a Bar

Semantic Shifts: 5 Communication Changes to Consider

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When communicating with others, often times people can interpret what we say differently from how we intended. There are instances when we think we’re being kind and caring, but others interpret what we say as critical or diminutive. Or, in moments when we think we’re coming across as curious, the other person becomes defensive because they think we’re taking a stance in opposition to theirs. Miscommunication happens so often and it’s so important for us to stop and evaluate the changes we can make to the way we communicate so that we’re able to align our intentions with how other people receive our messages.

What we say and how we say things matter. They matter for me in my professional world as a management consultant as I implement change with clients, in my volunteer work as a crisis worker as I listen and support people in tough situations, and most importantly, in caring for the relationships I have with my family and friends.

As with anything worth learning, mastering the art of communication takes time, practice, and experimentation with different approaches. By no means have I reached mastery, but I continue to prioritize this as one of the most important things for me to continuously improve. Based on some of the recent training I’ve received around effective communication and developing listening skills, here are the top five changes I’m making to the way I communicate:

1. APOLOGIZING ONLY WHEN I’VE DONE SOMETHING THAT HAS HARMED SOMEONE ELSE.

Being overly apologetic is something more common in women than men. We all know someone who starts every sentence with “I’m sorry…” Like, “I’m sorry, but I have a question.” or “I’m sorry to impose, but would you mind helping me with this?” I catch myself doing this every now and then. I’ve realized that if you say it too often, it dilutes the meaningfulness of your apologies when they’re actually appropriate.

Instead of saying “Sorry for…” I’m trying to say “Thank you for…” This slight shift makes me appreciate the other person, rather than depreciate myself. It’s important to acknowledge when we should honor someone with a true apology, but in cases when it’s not absolutely necessary, saying “Thank you for…” totally shifts the dynamics. For example, rather than saying “Sorry I can’t make it to your event…” say “Thanks for understanding why I’m not able to make it. I would have loved to attend.”

2. ELICIT QUESTIONS RATHER THAN SOLICITING AGREEMENT.

People often finish explanations with “Does that make sense? Or “Do you understand what I’m saying?” That can often come across less about the message and more about the receiver’s capacity to understand. Questions like these could also give others the sense that you’re trying to get their agreement on what you’ve just proposed, rather than a real question about the clarity of what you’re proposing.

Instead of saying “Do you understand?” or “Does that make sense?” I’m trying to say, “Any questions or anything I can clarify? The latter invites the person you’re speaking with to voice any questions or concerns, whereas the former leads to a yes or no answer with encouragement towards a yes answer in an off-putting way.

3. ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS VS. YES/NO QUESTIONS.

Along those lines, especially when I’m trying to understand someone else’s perspective, I try to ask open-ended questions. This is especially helpful when I’m trying to comprehend someone’s situation. When I asked questions that lead to yes or no, it takes more effort for me to pull out the “why” or the “what” of someone’s feelings and thoughts. Also, yes or no questions can be really misleading. Instead of asking, “are you feeling angry right now?” try asking “how are you feeling right now?” to allow them to use their own words to describe what they are going through.

4. AVOID ASKING QUESTIONS THAT COME ACROSS AS JUDGMENTAL (E.G. WHY?)

Proponents of the “five why’s” approach say that asking why then why again, then why again, and so on leads to a deeper understanding of root causes. It’s important to understand why, but sometimes phrasing it that way can come across as judgmental.

Asking “why are you doing it that way?” can be received as you not agreeing with the way someone is approaching things. Try asking, “Can you walk me through your thought process so I can understand your approach?” Asking why can sometimes make people feel like they have to justify their feelings or actions, which can shut them down, preventing them from them helping you to understand them.

5. SOUNDING INAUTHENTIC WHEN USING TRAINED PHRASES.

At some point in our lives, we’ve probably attended a course where we learned how to be a reflective listener. We’ve been advised to repeat what someone else has said by saying “what I hear you saying is…” This can have an adverse effect because people think you’re using a learned phrase rather than actually listening to what they’re saying. Rather than using a phrase that’s commonly used when employing an active listening script, I try not to change the subject or dive right into what I think. As I mentioned earlier, I ask more open-ended questions that encourage the person I’m speaking with to tell me more.

These are the top five semantic changes I’m currently experimenting with when I speak to people with the intention of connecting with them and truly understanding one another. Besides rephrasing how I would usually ask these questions, I’m also working on being conscious of how I’m feeling, especially how those feelings show up in my micro-expressions, and what I’m looking to gain out of a conversation. If I’m coming from a place for curiosity and care, rather than trying to get someone to agree with my ideas or give into something I want, I feel more connected and aligned with the person I’m communicating with, which leads to more meaningful and effective conversations.

What positive changes have you made to the way you communicate?