Given the global pandemic, many things have changed in our world. We are quarantined in our homes and our primary way to connect with one another is via Zoom video calls. As we spend so much time away from others and with ourselves, our internal world becomes more apparent to ourselves. One thing that hasn’t changed though is the enjoyment I get from going to the grocery store. That weekly experience, however, has changed and it’s changed alongside the transformation I’m experiencing inside of me, as well. 

Four Weeks Prior

About four weeks ago, we heard of the first cases of Coronavirus (COVID-19) as they popped up on the northeast of the US, having originated in China. I went about my regular hour-or-so-each-way commute during the first part of the week, then teleworked on Thursday like I do every week. That Friday was the first time I had to decide whether to go into work or stay home. All of this was still very new but information was being released rapidly in regards to the speed at which others caught it. Plus, it was fatal. So, I decided to work from home that final day of the week. 

I went to the grocery that week. There had been a lot of panic around stocking up on toilet paper and given how little I or anyone knew about this pandemic, I went ahead and bought a package even though we already had one or two at home. The shelves were well stocked and everything was “normal” at the grocery store. I went about my shopping experience, as usual, buying the things I needed for that evening’s recipe and walking the aisles discovering new things I wanted to try. I love going to the grocery store because cooking is kind of my medium, my outlet for creativity if you will. Being at the grocery store is like being in an art supply store– the possibilities are as endless as my imagination. I go home with more bags of groceries than I probably need to feed two people but I’ve gotten my fix.

Three Weeks Prior

The following week, there is a lot more information available about the virus: (1) it’s not airborne, rather you catch it by coming into contact with an infected person’s fluids when they cough and sneeze, (2) it’s only fatal under certain conditions like if you’re immunocompromised and you aren’t able to get the proper care, and (3) you can go several weeks without symptoms but during that time period, you can still infect others. I’m not a news junkie nor do I dig deep into medical research, but I try and learn enough “facts” to make daily decisions. Based on this, I start working from home during the days I typically would go into the office and my company makes this an easier decision by encouraging us to do so. 

Now, I’m more cautious, but I still need to go to the grocery store. There are fewer people and the shelves are stocked for the most part except toilet paper and hand sanitizer shelves are completely wiped out. There seem to be fewer people at the grocery store and people are a little more careful about the degree to which they interact with other people and the things they touch. There are messages everywhere to wash your hands and to keep from touching your face. At this stage, I go about my grocery shopping while being a bit more aware of my surroundings than usual. Things aren’t the same, but they’re not too different.

Two Weeks Prior

Now, this virus is really spreading and around this time, the US peaks at having the most cases in the world despite how small our population is compared to countries like China and India. That was definitely alarming. By this time, our governor has issued a shelter-in-place order and work has extended the work-from-home time period. All over social there are messages informing others about how the virus spreads and even if you’re not in the “vulnerable” demographic and you’re likely to recover quickly, don’t be an @$!&* and infect others unknowingly. Things are clearly getting more serious.

I go to the grocery and things have changed significantly. A store owner hands me gloves, there are police officers monitoring you as you walk in, and there are clear indications at the checkout line to enforce 6 feet of distance between you and the person in front and behind you. I grab my essentials (wine and ingredients to make comfort food) and head home to participate in some virtual happy hours, Netflix binging, and dabbling in new hobbies, like video games and gardening. The world has in fact changed but as long as I do my part by keeping my distance, I’m helping, or at least not making it worse. I’m getting a bit stir crazy at home because I’m used to variety in my day– both the time I wake up and the location I wake up in due to work travel. Now, it’s like groundhogs day and I go to sleep and wake up at the same time each day only to go about my daily routine at home then do the same thing the next day. 

One Week Prior

The CDC now tells us that everyone should be wearing masks. Up until this point, in the US at least, we were told not to wear masks because there was a shortage in supply and we needed to reserve them for medical professionals. Businesses are truly struggling to keep afloat given their limited cash flow and people are losing their jobs, unable to easily find new ones. Don’t even mention the stock market. It sounds like we’re at our peak but I’ve heard it’ll get worse and that it’ll get better from here. 

Sleeping at night is tough. I’m worried about many things I can’t control but also, what day is it? Wine and comfort food isn’t as comforting anymore, although that doesn’t stop me from indulging in them. I still go to the grocery, but I’m super careful, of course. Beyond just something I enjoy doing each week, it’s now my way of seeing what the real world is like outside of what’s portrayed in the media, especially social media. Things are different now. Stores are rationing what you purchase, there are significantly fewer people out, and most notably, most people are wearing masks now. I associate masks with SARS and other epidemics that I had seen and heard about but never directly experienced. Now, I’m hyper-conscious about everything. When I come home, I’m thinking much more deeply about what this all means. Are things ever going to be the same again? What impact is this having that we’re not even aware of? When you take all of these things away, what am left with? How am I reacting to all of this and what does it mean about who I am? Who am I? How should I live? It gets deep pretty fast. I’m not at a point yet where I feel helpless about the situation, instead, I’m much more reflective. Hopefully, that means that rather than helplessness, I find a sense of power as a result of experiencing all of this.

Today

I’m rediscovering who I am without being overly concerned about how I’m being perceived because I’ve spent much more time with just me. I believe more than ever that I need to reflect and do the inner work necessary to be the type of human who can not only endure the worst of it but can lead others through incredibly tough times marked by unprecedented change. I haven’t found the answers yet but I have rediscovered the questions that matter. Who knows, maybe this week, I turn to grocery delivery services. What I do know is that as the external world has changed, so has my internal world, and this is just the beginning.

How has your world changed since this pandemic began to spread?